One of my 3-year-old's favorite songs is "This Little Light of Mine." When we get to the line -- "Hide it under a bushel? No! I'm gonna let it shine" -- Ian cups one hand over his pointed index finger and then pulls it off, yelling, "No!" with such fetching enthusiasm that I smile as I sing along.
I am sure my son doesn't understand that his "little light" finger symbolizes his Christian faith. That there will be times when he'll be tempted to hide his faith under a bushel, far from scoffing peers or skeptical professors. That there may be times when the light flickers and the follies and disappointments of this world come close to snuffing it out. For Ian, for now, the song is merely a catchy tune with fun hand motions. I sing with him and smile while I wonder how my husband and I can nurture Ian's and his younger brother David's budding spirituality.
For many young adults, parenthood brings more than sleepless nights, messy diapers and the kaleidoscopic joys of your own child's smile; it also brings reflection. How do I pass on a living faith -- one that will sustain and guide to my child in a world that routinely undercuts belief in a transcendent, yet personal God? How do I give my child clarity when I don't always possess it myself?
"For our generation, it's a very scary thing," says Father Charles C. McCoart Jr., director of the Office of Youth Activities for the Arlington Diocese and associate pastor of Good Shepherd Church in Alexandria, Virginia. "A lot of parents don't know how to get to God. You can't take a person any further than you are yourself."
McCoart frequently gives new parents a copy of Max Lucado's book Catholic University of America. The average age of Catholics who return to the church is between 30 and 35, often because parents want their children to be raised within a religious tradition.
In his 1994 Letter to Families, Pope John Paul II refers to raising children as a "genuine apostolate." A family is the domestic church, and the parents must see to the life of that church.
Still, raising children who will walk in faith is no easy task at the close of the 20th century. While previous generations may have counted on ethnic identity, the strictness of nuns or a cohesive extended family to bolster their efforts, many parents today feel besieged by the American morass of values that conflict with Judeo-Christian teachings. The evening news bears tiding of trusted teachers who molest their students, parents who kill their own babies, and rockers who die from overdoses. MTV -- popular with teenagers -- is a showcase for barely dressed men and women who seem bent on arousing hormones and perpetuating sexual stereotypes. In one commercial, using a song recorded by Janis Joplin in the '60s, the purpose of prayer and penance is twisted: "Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz? My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends."
"Advertisers are extremely successful at diverting and distracting us from the real issues of our life," says Tom McGrath, executive editor of U.S. Catholic, editor of the newsletter Bringing Religion Home, and father of two teenage girls. "The question is, 'Who needs spiritual answers when all of our problems are presented as materialistic?"
"Religion has really become the counterculture," says Rabbi Harold White, director of the Jewish Chaplaincy and a lecturer in theology at Georgetown University. "The major, most important thing for students now is job security and a good salary."
With a decline in the number of religious vocations, the rising number of interfaith marriages and more parents opting for public rather than parochial schools, spiritual education is falling more and more on the shoulders of the parents. Unfortunately, churches and synagogues often provide only the rudiments of a sound religious education.
"In no other discipline would we allow someone to go through with a 12-year-old's understanding," says White, who finds that most students, Catholic and Jewish alike, have only an elementary comprehension of their faith.
In this social, political and ethical climate, it is vital that a child be able to articulate the tenets of his or her own faith. "Parents have to make sure their children know about their faith and can defend it. Children have to have a reason for their faith," says Sally Anne Conan, author of God Made Hugs and Little Blessings: A Child's First Book of Riddles and the mother of three grown children.
Despite these obstacles, many parents across the country are committed to raising their children to believe in the spiritual dimension of reality, to turn to a God who cannot be seen or measured. They encounter both joy and frustration as they struggle to raise thoughtful and giving children. Not surprisingly, they say, it is of utmost importance to practice what you preach.
"It all comes down to setting an example," says 1974 Notre Dame graduate David Wuellner of Sedalia, Missouri, the father of four. "If the example is set, the message will get through. Making a point of going to church even on vacation really sends a message to the kids."
In modeling their faith to their offspring, many parents find that they are transformed, that their own beliefs are clarified and deepened by the experience of sharing them.
"Having children made us become more consistent and committed," says Betsy Robinson of Potomac, Maryland, the mother of three. "You have to live your faith." Every Friday night the Robinson family observes the Shabbat, the Jewish Sabbath; no outside activities other than sharing dinner with another Jewish family are allowed. "We've missed some great concerts at the Kennedy Center because they're on Friday night, but it's really worked. The kids aren't jerked around by mixed messages. We have made an impression on them, and they think about these things."
One has only to dip into The Spiritual Life of Children by Robert Coles to be amazed at how deeply children think about spiritual matters. Coles, a Harvard psychiatrist, spent hours developing relationships with Christian, Jewish and Moslem children and asking them about their faith. From 10-year-old Charlie pondering why Jesus had a dad who was a carpenter to a young Swedish boy's detailed crayon drawing of Nazi death camps he titled "Religious and Nonreligious People," the children demonstrate commitment, curiosity and genuine reflectiveness. For these children, brought up in religious households, faith has become a lens through which they view themselves, their friends and the sometimes inscrutable goings-on of the world at large.
"Parenthood has further convinced me that faith is not a cupboard that you open once a week," says 1978 Notre Dame graduate John Delaney of Philadelphia, the father of three. "It has to be seamlessly woven into your life."
Other parents use other analogies. Parenting is like gardening, says 1970 ND graduate Allan LaReau of Kalamazoo, Michigan, the father of Renee, a '96 ND graduate, and Justin, a current ND student. "Unless you really nurture your faith, it doesn't grow. Unless you've cultivated that dimension of life as a family, it won't happen."
Whether families say prayers, read stories or sing together, the time before bedtime, when the frantic motion of the day finally slows, offers an opportunity for closeness and reflection.
As the oldest of eight children, David Wuellner fondly remembers his mother leading them all in nightly prayers. "Mom would sit or stand in the hallway between our bedrooms and go through the litany of prayers, thanking God for the day, for our health, for the family. 'God bless Uncle Ned,' she'd say, and we'd all repeat her." Such a recitation can help children place themselves in the world, in the context of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends -- all to be blessed.
In addition to praying for those in their family and those on their list of special intentions, every night each of the Delaney children also thank Jesus for something that happened that day. "We want them to see God as someone other than a year-round Santa Claus," says John Delaney, who remembers mostly asking God for things as a child.
For some, bedtime is also an opportunity to share the Bible, to parent it as a treasure of great stories rather than a tome to be analyzed. A few years ago, Father McCoart was at the beach with his siblings and their children. His brother, Sean, invited him to join in their bedtime ritual. There were no books where they were staying, so 4-year-old Matt requested the story of the "little boy and the giant." Father and son began a personal retelling of the story of David and Goliath, each saying a line, one after the other.
"Of course, Matt's favorite part was when the giant's head got bashed in," says McCoart with a laugh.
When the story was finished, Sean asked Matt, "Why is this important?" Without skipping a beat, Matt responded, "Because with God al things are possible."
"Sean planted a seed that Matt will remember 20 years, maybe when he needs it," says McCoart.
Many expert believe that intergenerational mentoring by grandparents, aunts and uncles, older friends and neighbors who practice their faith and demonstrate an interest in perpetuating the faith of a child can greatly assist in nurturing spirituality. Children find it encouraging to witness someone other than their parents praying, attending services and living according to the tenets of a religion.
As active members of Good Shepherd Church in Alexandria, Gene and Jean Larson, the parents of Tom Larson, a 1980 ND graduate, and grandparents of 11, find numerous ways to model the importance of faith in their own lives.
When their children go to Mass with the Larsons, the children know that "Papa" made the wooden crosses and the paschal candle holder. He also makes each grandchild a wooden cross as a baptismal or first communion gift. At the altar, they see "Mama" performing the acts of a eucharistic minister, which becomes especially important to the children when they receive first communion.
As children become adolescents, the example and expectations of their peers tend to influence them more than the circle of their family. Because the pressure of peers and advertising can be so often negative and destructive to young minds and souls, it's crucial for young people to find positive, nurturing friends in addition to their own household, says Paul Henderson, former associate director for the Secretariat of Family, Laity, Women and Youth of the National Conference of Catholic Bishops.
"No matter what the home life is, if kids get involved in a rough group at school, it becomes a real danger," says Henderson. A recent survey, co-sponsored by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops, of 6,000 Catholic youths who participated in youth ministry programs found that the majority are attracted to such programs because they offer a safe, caring environment and friendship. Teens and young adults seek a community independent from their family which will give them a sense of belonging and reinforce their personal growth.
The value of belonging to a large, caring community is most palpable when crisis strikes. When Allan and Rita LaReau's 13-year-old daughter, Gretchen, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the experience both challenged and reaffirmed the faith of their family. Together at Gretchen's bedside, they chose the readings for her funeral, and her siblings, Renee and Justin, read a tribute to her during the service.
"The experience showed us all the richness of community and being connected," says Rita LaReau. "There were many intersecting circles of support, especially from Notre Dame -- from Renee's R.A., to the folk choir she was a member of, on up to the administration."
"The family clearly experienced the powerful force of the grace of God," says Allan LaReau. "When you experience the death of a child, it's the darkest hour. The people around you sort of carry you through. They represent and serve as the grace of God, especially God through the gifts of other people."
Some parents have taken what others might describe as drastic action to provide their children with a close-knit environment in which faith can take root and blossom.
When they found themselves spending most of their quality time with their children undoing what the children had learned from their peers at school -- a parochial school at that -- Colleen (Carey) and Jim Koehr, both 1985 Notre Dame graduates, of Warrenton, Virginia, decided to homeschool their seven, going-on-eight, children.
"They were at school seven hours a day, the best hours of the day," says Colleen Koehr. "There wasn't time for me to fulfill this obligation to educate them -- including their spiritual formation and character - as I wanted to."
While Koehr admits that her life now is a juggling act, she prefers it. "If Jesus is the centerpoint of every day - in your prayers and in the fun things that you do -- faith will be so much a part of the child's life that they'll grow up understanding."
Other parents choose to live small towns because they believe the surroundings won't be as threatening to their children's physical and spiritual well-being. "You don't have to deal with the temptation big cities have," says David Wuellner, whose family lives in Sedalia, Missouri, with only 20,000 other people. "We feel fortunate to be able to do this."
Despite our best intention, however, we can never be completely sure that our children understand what we're saying or that they're internalizing the values we want them to have.
When one of this daughters was 9, Tom McGrath recalls, she was worried about her role in a play.
"Why don't you pray about it?" McGrath suggested.
"I've prayed before and it doesn't work," she answered.
McGrath was pained by his inability to convey in words what he's come to understand about the workings of prayer. "It's not magic. It's not Disney," says McGrath. "It doesn't work as a 9-year-old would want it to."
Because so much of faith is mystical and beyond the reach of human reason, it is intrinsically difficult to teach, particularly when the circumstances in the life of a family might outwardly challenge the notion of a caring and benevolent God. For Beth and John Delaney, their greatest challenge came when one of their children died before birth.
"Even though it causes incredible stabbing pain every time we talk about Kieran's death, we don't want our children to be afraid or mystified by it," says Beth Delaney. "We want them to understand that the soul is the part of you that loves others and loves God and will continue even if you're not living on the earth."
Many parents find that the Lord works in his own time and his own way with our children even when we're frustrated and doubtful of success. Until recently, Ellen Malloy Vento '85 and her husband, Tony, had their hands full when they took their two small children, Gina and Joseph, to Mass. Not far into the service, Tony could be seen outside with whichever of the kids was acting up. They often walked along the Stations of the Cross trail in a beautiful, woodsy area next to the church.
"Gina knows the trail well from having to leave church so often," Ellen Vento says with a laugh. Nowadays, both children usually make it through the whole service without misbehaving, but the trail has become part of their Sunday routine." After church, they ask to go to the Stations of the Cross."
"Faith gives them piece of mind, security, and an identity that is really important," Betsy Robinson says. "It makes them feel special that their parents care enough to make sure they have this in their lives."
Quoting Abraham Joshua Heschel, his former teacher, Rabbi White says, "Faith should enable us to look at life with a sense of radical amazement."
While one dimension of faith is familial, cultural and communal, the other is intensely personal. Ultimately, a child will follow his or her own path. "As much as we may want to, we can't save their souls," says John Delaney.
But we can witness Go's grace at work in the lives of our children: Laura Robinson choosing to read the entire, difficult portion from the Torah in Hebrew for the congregation's Shabbat services on the day of her bat mitzvah; my son David's small hand in mine as together we thank God for our meal.
At the close of his book, clearly moved by his immersion into the spiritual lives of children, Robert Coles writes: "I found myself wondering whether the children themselves aren't the very treasure they so obviously seek: God as children pondering, musing, ruminating, brooding on him, young minds bending and applying themselves in his image."
Children of God reflecting on God. A family's circle of blessing.